Tuesday, 18 October 2011

Blog number 2

It's been a while since I wrote my last blog. In fact, scratch that, it's been so long since I was last here that I could officialy call this a quaterly blog if I wanted to. That would, just for a moment, fool you into thinking this time gap has been a deliberate ploy, and not actually because I am lazier than that guy they must have hired to fix facebook chat. So uh, yeah, it's 0030 now, and I have a lecture at 0900 (I'm a pilot, I can write time without a : and it makes me more sexually desirable to potential females than you) and this my friends, is blog number 2.

This has been inspired by a blog from my good friend, and racist cat collector, Mini. I started commenting on his most recent blog, which I felt really reached out and touched me (no not down there, Dad!), after about a paragraph and a half I realised I was basically writing my own blog. So I deleted that and posted something about him being gay instead.

Now seriously for a moment, most people reading this blog will know me personally, but for those that don't, I wouldn't consider myself a social outcast, or even particulary socially awkward. I make friends with people very easily, and few people ever really "dislike" me, for want of a better word. I enjoy playing team sports and socially drinking. In all respects I'm a typical university student. Except for one thing; I don't like clubbing.

 Well.... I don't like this either, but this isn't what I meant.

You might think it sounds odd to suggest that all students enjoy clubbing, evidently you are not at university, or you don't know what clubbing is. Alright, I know I'm not really alone here, but the point is that a big part of university culture is that you are supposed to enjoy clubbing, in fact my university delibrately spends millions on ensuring it's students have the best clubbing facilities.

Case in point, at the start of all university students Freshman years, is a "freshers week", billed by many as "The best week of your life". I was a little sceptical from the start, but went along with it. By the end of the second night (there were 2 whole weeks of this) I was bored and wanted lectures to start. I do regret not making more of it, but I think in the same shoes again, I'd still make the same steps.

This was my introduction to university. It was the start of what would be many nights seeing my flatmates off (people who I would spend most of the day laughing and joking with) and trying my best not be woken up when they came back absolutely wrecked.

So, what is it that I don't like about clubbing? Well I've broken it down into several bitesize chunks, suitable for a small dog or tame badger:

1 - The music.
My parents brought me up around what I generally consider good music. Music that everybody can enjoy and listen to, you know, The Police, Oasis, Coldplay. Nobody can really say they hate that music.

Alright Barack, you're allowed to hate Coldplay!

I consider this sort of music to be in the middle of the spectrum, people enjoy it, but it is not everyone's favourite. Outside of this specturm are the niches, Rock, Ska, Rap, Hip-hop etc. And different people prefer different niches in differing levels. Personally I enjoy Indie and Rock music, but am partial to anything from rap or hip-hop provided it's not trash.
This is ok. We all enjoy different things. Except that shit they play in clubs. That's not ok. Fuck it. That's not even music. It sounds like a car alarm causing nails to vibrate against a blackboard.
Now, this would not normally be a problem. A metal band might occasionally scream into the mic and I don't like that, but it changes. Club music does not. And this is why I believe that club music does not manage to cross the line between noises and music. It is moronically repetetive, and even when the song ends (usually a saving grace for any bad track on an album) the next song sounds EXACTLY THE F****** SAME!
I can't enjoy it, and the music is inexplicably played so loud that I can't forget for a moment about the state of society today that we listen to this crap instead of appreciating the musical talent of Dire Straits or Fleetwood Mac.
They never tell you who the artists of the songs are, but I'm almost certain David Guetta is behind this.

You're so fucking dead.

 2 - Dancing is not social
Often when I am asked to go out in the evening (and for the record, I have said yes to this far too many times, out of politeness/stupidity) the card played when I say no is "Come on, be sociable". I never bother to explain to them why what they've said is so wrong, because I don't think they'd understand. To me, being social has to involve conversation, "banter" (over-used word of the year, 2010), or at the very least enjoying eachothers company.

 What's not to love?

Just to clear the air, I can't dance, in fact I probably dance like a Dad, and knowing this makes me feel very self concious, but this is irrelevant really as this is a personal factor, and my blog is not just about me (for one week only!). Dancing in a club cannot possibly involve conversation, just trying to ask for a drink at the bar is like trying to break down a wall with your face ("Fosters.... FOSTERS.... FOSSSSTTTEEEEEEERRRRSSSS...... THE ONE ON THE FUCKING TAP!"). It would of course be saved, if we could enjoy eachothers company while dancing. Unfortunately, it's not your own friends company you enjoy it's every sweaty man and chlamidya-ridden woman who dares to breach your personal space.
No wait, breach is too soft a word, 'violate', or 'rape' would actually be far more accurate.
So what dancing amounts to, for me, is awkwardly moving about to unenjoyable music while your personal space is raped by people you wouldn't want to touch with a sweaty barge pole.

Thank you, Internet.

So then, you probably think, if this is as non-sensical as you claim, then why do thousands of university students claim to enjoy this every night, for four or five years of their life? ... Ahem, please read all of the blog before asking such ridiculous questions. You disrespectful piece of shit.

3 - Clubbing represents an easy way to get sex.

And there is the crux. Students want meaningless sex, and they want it easy, cheap and on tap. Clubbing allows you to get close to the opposite sex, and the volume of the music allows you to avoid the difficult "conversation" thing that normally lets two people know how compatible they are for eachother.

David Guetta would sure speed this shit up.

Except that I believe my last paragraph is wrong. And this bring's me back to the wonderful blog of my racist cat friend, Mini (I mean he has racist cats, not that he's actually like my racist cat sidekick, not since the expenses scandal, anyway). His blog brought to light the sexualised promotions of student clubs in sheffield, one of which rather bluntly declared "You're going to get laid tonight" (I wondered if I could sue them for false advertising if I didn't). This was like a revelation to me. It put all my ideas and gripes about clubbing together and tied them off with a rather intelectual point.

Students don't want meaningless sex. Most students are probably looking for relatively serious relationships, and sexual partners who they can share their favourite film with (without getting chlamidya). However the culture is such that, it is "hip" (They still say that... right?) to appear to be sexually active with multiple partners, and be able to pick up new partners effortlessly. This applies to both sexes, and as such, a selection of true slags (for want of a better word) have to exist to create the illusion that it is the norm, and due to the lifestyles desirablity (in the same way a criminal is a desirable lifestyle...) the demand for these sexualised clubs sky rockets around universities. The environment they create is perfect for meeting a no-strings-attached partner, and therefore it is THE place to be on friday night, where people pretend they like dancing to the noises instead. Some people may claim they enjoy clubbing for what it is, and hell, maybe they do, I'm not judging, but a significant player in the university clubbing lifestyle is the belief that regular meaningless sex is what everyone else is doing, and if you're not doing it, then you're not cool.

Sorry Barack, you need at least 3 more sexual partners to be cool.


  1. To say you don't like clubbing is not correct, I'd rather say you haven't found a club you enjoy yet. It's not all about meaningless sex, I actually enjoy some of the "club" music out there.

    When the team comes to London, we're going to Propaganda in Islington, And you'll love it

  2. Yeah Propaganda in Sheffield is great too. Leadmill on a Monday night, Plug on a thursday and Corp on Wednesday all do some decent music.

    I can like clubbing occasionally but unless the music is good (and you're right, normally its not) i have to be very drunk.

  3. I take your point Simon, and perhaps I didn't give as balanced a view as I probably should have. At 3AM, and with more words than my average coursework, I felt I had to curb it a bit at the end.
    A lot of what I don't like about clubbing is generally the music, and perhaps if they played more enjoyable music, I would enjoy it more. But the point stands that a lot of people go out simply with the intention of getting laid. Which is wrong on just so many levels.

  4. I can't say i dislike clubbing, i imagine mainly down the fact i have such an eclectic and vast taste in music, which means some of the music in your typical club is can tolerate.

    As Simon says though, you just havent found a club you like yet, perhaps due to St Albans and maybe Loughborough not being the Cities that us others are based.

    Hopefully when you come to Hull i'll introduce you to something new and you'll want to come again.

    Although i do agree, clubs are effectively the middle man to boys meeting girls.

    Also on the dad dancing issue, i also can be quite self conscious when dancing, but i try to make the most of it. When i was out on freshers week a girl actually commented how she loved it! As a result of this praise i now love her....

    Good blog though mate.

  5. I think I love you.

    I read a thing about enjoying clubs, it said something like 'if you don't like the music in the club, love it'. I think that makes sense.

    I would say though that I've never found a club to be 'great' and to me, tolerating something is not the same as wanting to spend money to be there. So Dan I agree that most clubbing sucks, but its because of the culture not because the idea is bad.

  6. Need I say, we're gonna wreck it in Hull though. Anything is more fun with you guys.